Divine Heist

This was a project for my theater class. We were supposed to write a short play, using the terms we'd learned about and such. And... this is what I got. The title is ironic, and while it's not that hard to figure out (in fact, I'm downright obvious at times), I think this thing is so dang funny. :)

Divine Heist

Dramatis Personae: Griffin Cleptes, Luke Schaden, Kat Bast, various security personnel

SETTING: The stage is set as the darkened interior of a mansion, with a large, furniture-filled room dominating the majority of the stage (Stage Left and Center Stage), and a wall with a door in it separating Stage Right from the rest of the stage. Stage Right is set as an equally darkened hallway with one visible window.

SCENE: Luke is crouched down in the hallway, inspecting the door, when he hears a noise. He quickly backs into the shadows underneath the window. After a moment, Griffin comes on stage, believing that he is alone. He approaches the door, and Luke waits a moment, then steps out.

Luke: Fancy meeting you here.

Griffin: [jumps] What-?

[Luke claps a hand over Griffin’s mouth]

Luke: That wouldn’t be wise. There are still guards close by. A shout would bring them running.

Griffin: [pulls the hand away and steps back] Luke?

Luke: [gives a mocking little salute] The same.

Griffin: [sighs] Dare I ask what you’re doing here?

Luke: There are nine huge, flawless, less than perfectly guarded emeralds in that room. [points toward the door] I’m here for the exact same reason you are.

Griffin: Right, emeralds. I should have known. But you don’t seem surprised to see me. In fact, I’d almost say you were waiting for me. How did you know I’d be here?

Luke: You would be an awful thief if you could resist such a lure. Fortunately for us all, you’re an amazing thief. And that means that not only are you here, but that you wouldn’t try this alone any more than I would. So who else should I expect?

Griffin: What, so you’re just going to swoop in and take charge of everything?

Luke: [smiles cheerfully] Precisely. Now, who else to I need to factor in to my plans?

Griffin: [shakes his head and sighs] Kat.

Luke: Fantastic. Are you meeting her here?

Griffin: Yeah, she should be here in just a minute.

[Griffin looks at the window, and Luke turns to the window as well]

Luke: Don’t tell me she’s coming through there? That is so incredibly melodramatic.

[Griffin shrugs, and they wait. After a couple moments, noises come from the window, then the window lifts up, and Kat crawls through and drops to the floor, glaring at Luke]

Kat: What are you doing here?

Griffin: Apparently he had the same idea as us.

Kat: Right, emeralds. Signature color and all. We should have guessed he’d be here.

Griffin: That’s what I thought. So what now?

Luke: Well, seeing as we’re all here, and all have the same goal in mind, I say we work together.

Kat: [folds her arms] What, so you’re willing to split the emeralds with us if we help you out? Like you really expect us to believe you.

Luke: [shrugs] We all have slightly different skill sets, and if we combine them, this should be easier done than said. Besides, nine splits so evenly three ways.

[Griffin and Kat look at each other, then back at Luke]

Kat: Ugh, fine.

Griffin: So, what’s your plan?

Luke: It’s all relatively simple. We have approximately twenty minutes before the guard rotation, so we’ll have to work quickly. I have a distraction planned that should keep the guards from checking before the rotation, so we have a relatively safe window within that sixteen minutes.

[The sound of an explosion is heard, followed by shouts of “Fire!” Both Griffin and Kat look out the window, then pull their heads in and look at Luke]

Griffin: What was that?

Luke: A brilliant display of perfectly timed pyrotechnics in the garage. Don’t worry, they won’t find any traces of outside tampering.

Kat: You need a new hobby. Your obsessions with fire and chaos are a little worrying.

Luke: A discussion for a later time, perhaps. Now. Griffin, I assume that you’ve already hacked the security system and have the cameras within the room playing a looped feed?

Griffin: Yeah, and I was going to take care of the lock on the door. Unless you have other plans?

Luke: You’re better at lock-picking than I am. The laser tripwires covering the floor will have to be dismantled manually, since the remote system is solid from 11pm to 7am. And that means someone will have to get across the room without touching the floor [He turns to Kat] I assume that’s why you’re here?

Kat: Unless you’re claiming to be more flexible than I am.

Luke: [laughs] I wouldn’t dare. Once you’ve dismantled the tripwire system, Griffin will crack the safe, hopefully within our time frame. If not, I have another distraction that I can initiate.

Kat: Does it involve explosions as well?

[Luke just smiles, and Kat shakes her head, muttering something about pyromaniacs]

Griffin: So… It looks like Kat and I will be doing all the work. Did you have anything useful you were going to do, or were you just going to stand there and look cool?

Luke: Are you aware that that keypad [points] is not a secondary entry method, but an added security measure? And that if you don’t type in the appropriate code, a magnet system imbedded in the doorframe will trigger a secondary defense system the moment you open or close the door, and the entire room will lock down, while simultaneously producing the most awful siren noise?

[Griffin just stares at him, and Kat slaps a hand over her face]

Kat: Ugh, stupid. Of course there would be something that we had absolutely no idea about.

Griffin: And how is it that you know this?

Luke: I may or may not have been a guest at dinner here last night, and the man who owns the mansion may or may not have been bragging about his security systems, and I may or may not have paid very close attention when the code was entered.

Kat: Dang it. I was hoping we would have a legitimate reason for dropping you like a hot coal.

Luke: So sorry to disappoint. But all else aside, we need to get moving. Griffin?

[Griffin kneels down, pulls out a lock-picking set, and goes to work on the door. Luke moves over to the window, while Kat moves over to Griffin and leans down]

Kat: [quietly] Is this a good idea? He’s not exactly the most trustworthy guy in the world.

Griffin: [also quietly] Do we have a choice? And he would have convinced us to go along with him regardless of what we initially said. The guy’s got a silver tongue and intelligence to match.

[There’s a click from the lock, and Griffin stands up. Luke comes over and faint beeping noises indicate the code he types into the pad. Luke nods to Kat, who opens the door into the hallway and peers into the room. She nods toward the chair closest to the door]

Kat: That’s pretty far to jump alone. I’ll need a boost.

[Luke moves behind her and makes a step out of his hands. Kat puts one of her feet into his hands, and braces her hands on the doorframe, facing into the room]

Kat: On three. One, two, three.

[Kat pushes off the doorframe and the foot she has on the ground at the same time Luke pushes forward with his hands. Kat manages to land on the seat of the chair, though it wobbles slightly.

Griffin: Don’t you dare fall.

Kat: Then don’t distract me.

[Griffin and Luke watch silently as Kat navigates the room, hopping from one piece of furniture to the next, until she winds up on far Stage Left, where she balances on a globe as she opens a circuit box]

Luke: Pull out the green wire.

[Kat pulls the wire out, and Luke and Griffin cautiously move into the room. Nothing happens, so they move into the room, and Luke nods at a large painting on the wall. Griffin pulls the painting off the wall, revealing a safe.]

Luke: We have seven minutes left. Is that enough time?

Griffin: Who’s the master thief out of the three of us, again? Give me a break.

[Griffin begins turning the dial on the safe, listening carefully. Luke looks at his watch and Kat sways anxiously. After a while, there’s a noise, and the safe door opens, revealing the emeralds]

Griffin: [smugly] Got it.

Kat: [jumps into the air] Yes!

Luke: Good. [He pulls a couple of cloths out of his pocket, and hands them to both Kat and Griffin] Wipe down any places where Griffin left fingerprints, since he’s the only one of us without gloves.

Griffin: [smiling triumphantly] Can’t crack a safe as quickly as I just did if you’ve got gloves on.

[Kat and Griffin start wiping down the safe, while Luke retrieves the emeralds and puts them in a cloth bag. Kat and Griffin are laughing and joking and not paying any attention to Luke, who smiles without them seeing and begins slowly moving toward the door, into the hallway]

Kat: I can’t believe we pulled that off so quickly! That was some fantastic teamwork!

Griffin: Yeah, and we completely owe it to our fearless leader, right? I have to say, Luke, I didn’t think—

[Griffin and Kat look around for Luke and see him standing on the other side of the door]

Griffin: Wait...

Luke: You know, I really think that nine is such a perfect number. I’d hate to have to break it up.

Kat: You’re not seriously going to—

Luke: Well, it’s been brilliant working with you both. It made things so much easier for me.

[With that, Luke gives a cheery little wave and shuts the door. Immediately, red lights start flashing and a siren starts wailing, while Griffin and Kat just stare at the door, openmouthed. Luke puts the bag with the emeralds in his pocket and slips out the window, whistling happily]

Kat: …Jerk.

Griffin: Wow. We should have seen that coming, huh?

Kat: I thought you were supposed to be the best thief in the world!

Griffin: I am. But that guy can play people so well that I almost don’t feel bad about falling right into his game. Besides, we both know that he’ll bust us out of prison within a week. He just likes messing with people’s heads. But man, that is frustrating. He’s left absolutely no trace, so he’ll get away completely free.

 [The siren continues shrieking, and guards come rushing onstage from Stage Right, crowding around the door. As they unlock the door and rush into the room, while Kat and Griffin put their hands up]

Griffin: [ironically] Well, if nothing else, that should teach us to never trust the man best known for lies and mischief, am I right?

Kat: [as they’re getting dragged away] Man. And I was really looking forward to those emeralds.